Instant Gratification

I want, I want, I want. I want…to just be happy with what I have. I have to realize that I am, what I am. My body is the way that it is and my face is the way that it is. I ask myself why am I so unhappy with everything I have before me and I start comparing myself to every damn hot girl I have ever seen in magazines, on t.v., at the bar, etc. The girl may not be in front of me, but I can visualize myself right next to her. Why do I insist on such nonsense? This is day 12 of my commitment to not wear make-up for a year and I want a bolt of enlightenment to my unhappiness with myself now…of course. I have also made a commitment to not say anything negative about myself when I look in the mirror or at any given point in time for this year. I must extend that commitment to not thinking anything negative either. I may not say my thoughts of my painful negative self-image out loud, but I know that just thinking them is where it all begins. My attitude changes not just towards myself, but towards my actions in everything. Crazy. I am way to caught up in this thought process of beauty. Of course that is what my journey is all about; to dismiss what I know and formulate a new understanding, a new way of being. Maybe this moment of self-destructive thoughts is because I am fasting. Fasting, though has given me some insight into my need for instant gratification. If I can eat that chip I would happier or on the path to being happier. If I could have that soda, I would think better… If I could have bigger boobs, I would be happier. All I want to do is heal, I mean cover-up all my anguish no matter how small it is with a Band-Aid; a quick fix for a bout of self-loathing. A temporary cover-up to hide what really needs to be healed, my mind. It’s like when I want to put make-up on when my face breaks out in acne-I want to hide my imperfections so I can be what I think beautiful is-blemish free, smooth skin, and sexy. Is that what beauty really is though? A physical dimension and nothing more? I honestly don’t know right now. I do know though that during this fast I have realized that there are so many distractions distracting me from what I really need to focus on; which is what is right in front of me. I realized that I wanted to snack or eat in order to procrastinate from completing my presentation this Saturday. I couldn’t get my mind to be creative or to organize all my information into a presentation and so instead of focusing in, I focused out. I know that giving the mind time to step out for a bit to get some good ideas is a good thing, but I run away-I don’t step out. I also realized that I wanted to find an excuse not to do this blog because I really don’t know how to do it-I blamed my frustration on not eating, and my inability to be creative today at work. I am also moody after looking in the mirror after I showered. Totally depressed because I am not up to par with how I wish I could look. Foolish, right? Of course it is. What I saw when I looked up from typing this blog during my whirlwind of negativity was my son in the kitchen getting a drink of water. All of the distractions my mind can harp on is only distracting me from what is now, what is present, what is good; and that is life. I am the creator and destroyer of my universe. I can make my life better and KNOW that if I want to get toned then I am looking at the person who can do that. If I want to be depressed and wallow in my self-pity then I am looking at the person who can do that. What is now, what is in front of me is what it is and I can choose to make a difference or maintain the insanity of achieving instant gratification.

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